Conflict is inevitable — and managing it well is the key. Most people give themselves over to their conflicting emotions and thoughts, while a few learn to understand those emotions and thoughts intelligently enough to find a solution that works. That’s what it means to be emotionally intelligent.
Whether or not you consider yourself emotionally intelligent, you can’t avoid conflict wherever you go. What matters is how you manage it. And with so many of us navigating uncertainty and disruption to our usual routines from time to time, it’s always a good time to understand ourselves a little better — to become more aware, and more skillful, at managing conflict.
Situations that pull us out of our comfort zones tend to create more conflict. Think of working professionals whose days once revolved around travel and meeting people, now confined to routines that look completely different — job insecurity, delivery expectations, coordinating with teams, managing relationships with seniors, all while navigating rising expectations at home too.
Think of homemakers whose workload suddenly increases when family members are home around the clock, demanding more attention with almost no time to themselves.
Think of students used to a full daily schedule, suddenly confined at home with no outlet for their energy, and parents watching over them constantly.
Now imagine the scope for conflict when everyone around you is struggling with sudden, unexpected shifts in how life works, with no time to prepare for any of it.
And even outside moments of major disruption, life constantly tests us with new circumstances, people, situations, emotions and thoughts — which is why having good self-awareness, and the right skills to manage conflict, matters.
Quiet, unstructured time can also come with an upside — quality time with family, and a chance to learn to live differently, with fewer options and engagements. But it can also bring conflict, because it catches us unaware. Our reactions happen naturally, without thought, so we react rather than respond.
That, in turn, leads to frustration, guilt, sadness, regret and other difficult emotions. Let’s take a moment to understand this better, so we’re in control of how we respond to people and situations — because you can’t create change by trying to change others. No one can change anyone else; that’s a lost battle. Change comes when you change yourself, in a way that shapes the experience you actually want — and that requires clarity, control and consistent practice.
It’s important to remember: this doesn’t change overnight. It takes time and conscious, consistent effort.
What is conflict?
Conflict is the experience of strongly opposing views, emotions, beliefs, arguments or thoughts. It can be internal or external. Internal conflict comes from our own thought patterns — fear, anger, insecurity, behaviour patterns, limiting beliefs. External conflict is driven by other people, circumstances, actions and words.
Both types can trigger an emotional hijack, pushing us into actions or reactions that aren’t thoughtful choices — which usually leads to regret.
How to be emotionally intelligent in conflict
The most vital part is self-awareness, followed by self-regulation. You need the intent to take ownership and improve — otherwise ego and self-defence will block any real change. It also requires real honesty and objectivity with yourself.
How do we build self-awareness?
Self-awareness is the ability to notice your emotions, thoughts, behaviour patterns and triggers clearly enough to choose a thoughtful response instead of an impulsive one. When you’re self-aware, you’re in control of yourself and your actions — it comes from observing your behaviour and understanding the thoughts and emotions behind it. A few ways to build it:
- Maintain a daily journal: note (a) the situation, (b) your reaction, (c) your triggers, (d) your body’s response, (e) how you felt, and (f) the outcome. Do this closely and consistently, especially during conflict, so you can spot patterns — giving you a window to catch your predictable reactions before they take over.
- Ask yourself these questions honestly, in your journal: What did you say or do that you regret? What options did you have, and what got in the way of a thoughtful choice? Do you notice a pattern between this and past situations? What impact has it had on you, or on your life? Was there a better way to have managed yourself, or the situation?
Being emotionally intelligent about conflict also means understanding and empathising with the other person’s emotions — for better clarity, and a real shot at a win-win outcome. Add these to your journal too:
- What was the conflict or disagreement about?
- What view did you hold, and what made it feel right to you?
- What view did the other person hold, and what made it feel wrong to you?
- Do you honestly believe you were 100% right — or did you need to win?
- How could you have handled it differently?
- What did this experience teach you about yourself?
Practicing this regularly builds real self-awareness in conflict, giving you more control over your thoughts and actions going forward. Self-awareness is half the battle — but self-regulation, a strong ‘why’ for change, and awareness of the other person’s emotions are just as essential for managing conflict well.
